I became drunk, not on alcohol but on my success and arrogance, says Ram Gopal Varma

Turning emotional and penning a confession post to himself on X, Ram Gopal Varma admitted that he cried after watching the film but said that the tears were not only for the film but for what had happened after that.

Chennai: Popular director Ram Gopal Varma has confessed that he had become drunk not on alcohol but on his own success and arrogance though he didn’t know this until two days ago when he watched his own film ‘Sathya’ for the first time after 27 years.

Turning emotional and penning a confession post to himself on X, Ram Gopal Varma admitted that he cried after watching the film but said that the tears were not only for the film but for what had happened after that.

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He wrote, “By the time ‘SATYA’ was rolling to an end , while watching it two days back for the first time after 27 yrs, I started choking with tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn’t care if anyone would see. The tears were not just for the film, but were more for what happened since.

“Making a film is like giving birth to a child originating from the throes of passion without truly realising what kind of a child I am giving birth to. That’s because a film is made in in bits and pieces without one really knowing what’s being made and when it is ready. The concentration is on what others are saying about it and after that, whether it’s a hit or not, I move on too obsessed with what’s next to reflect and understand the beauty of what I myself created.”

Regretting why he had not set Satya as the benchmark for all that he should do in future, Ram Gopal Varma said, ““Till two days back, I ignored the countless inspirations it sparked by dismissing it as just another step in my journey towards an objective less destination.

Coming back to the hotel after the screening of SATYA, and sitting in the dark, I didn’t understand why with all my so called intelligence, I did not set this film as a benchmark for whatever I should do in the future. I also realised I didn’t just cry for the tragedy in that film but I also cried in joy for that version of myself .. And I cried in guilt for my betrayals of all those who trusted me due to ‘SATYA’.”

Stating that the bright lights of Satya had blinded him and that is why he had meandered into making films for shock value, Ram Gopal further said, “I became drunk not on alcohol but on my own success and my arrogance though I didn’t know this till two days back.

When the bright lights of a ‘RANGEELA’ or a ‘SATYA’ blinded me, I lost my vision and that explains my meandering into making films for shock value or for gimmick effect or to make a vulgar display of my technical wizardry or various other things equally meaningless and in that careless process, forgetting such a simple truth that technique utmost can elevate a given content but it can’t carry it .”

Admitting that some of his later films might have been successful but none of them had the same honesty and integrity which was in ‘SATYA’, Ram Gopal Varma futher said, “My very unique vision that drove me to create something path breaking in cinema also blinded me to the value of what I myself made and I became a man hurriedly running so fast looking up towards the horizon. that I forgot to look down at the garden I’d planted beneath my feet , and that explains my various falls from grace.”

The director further said, “I obviously can’t make any amends now for what I already did , but I promised myself two nights back while wiping away my tears , that every film I make from now onwards will be made with a reverence towards why I wanted to become a director in the first place.

“I might not be able to make a film like ‘SATYA’ ever again , but not even having an intention to do so is an unpardonable crime against cinema. I don’t mean that I should keep making films like ‘SATYA’ but irrespective of the genre or the subject matter the least it should have is the sincerity of ‘SATYA’.

“When Francis Coppola was asked by an interviewer about a film he made after ‘GODFATHER’, whether it will be as good , I could see him squirming because I could see that it didn’t occur to him. No one asked me about any film I was about to make post ‘SATYA’ whether it will be as good, but what’s worse is that I didn’t ask myself.

“I so wish I could go back in time and made this one cardinal rule for myself , that before deciding on any film to make , I should watch ‘SATYA’ once again… If I followed that rule I am sure I would not have made 90% of the films I made since then.

“I truly mean this as a wake up call to every film maker, who just gets carried away in self-indulgence due to his own state of mind at any given moment without measuring it against the standards set by either themselves or others.

“Finally, now I took a vow that whatever little of my life is left , I want to spend it sincerely and create something as worthy as ‘SATYA’ and this truth I swear on ‘SATYA’.”